I caught covid a few weeks ago and during my 3 days in bed I was reading a series called The Enlightenment Trilogy by Jed McKenna. (He's a fictional character but the books are beautifully written.) Somehow the mixture of being too weak to fight/resist and the power of the books themselves, woke me up (to the next stage, whatever that is).
I have long known that all our egoic structure is based on belief – that underneath or behind it all is a presence or consciousness. We must believe ourselves into existence. I have had direct and indirect experience of this over the years. (If you want to experience the invalidity of any belief, I recommend Byron Katie's The Work.)
Before covid I was still in and out of the dream/ego state, being sucked into it repeatedly by my own remaining unseen beliefs, emotional triggers, and forgetfulness that would gravitate me back into ego. (To digress and clarify what that means to me, the ego is the structure of belief, it may feel like an entity and something solid but its not - being sucked into ego is the believing of any belief to the extent that it creates an emotional response. Essentially any emotion is a response to your level of belief - the more you believe something, the stronger your emotional response. Cool hey?). Perhaps another post for another time.
The purpose of the weekly meditation community was to help me, and others who resonated, to remember the truth of our being. We used the meditations and the wonderful group energy and shared purpose to drop under the beliefs and into our neutral essence. Since covid, I can see all belief structures for what they are – both in my own life, and in others. The forgetting, so far, has not grabbed me back into sleep. I can see the myriad of tricks for what they are, it's actually quite fascinating, and very sneaky.
I stopped the weekly community because I didn't know how to relay this information, and I didn't know how to hold the community anymore. The whole idea of holding a group to go in and out of the very thing we are surrounded by just feels ridiculous to me now. It would be like guiding us to remember to be ‘in’ the air and then to come ‘out’ the air when we are always surrounded by said air. It's not possible to come out or to go in. How do I relay the absoluteness of our delusion? How do I talk about the totality of the "I don't knowness"? The only thing that I can know is I AM, everything else is delusion. This is not an intellectual knowing but an actual fact.
During my last Reiki Reiju I struggled to even string a sentence together, everything that came out of my mouth was slightly wrong, sometimes totally delusional. Every email, text, phone call I get is full of assumptions. Social media, news, spiritual teachers - all just relaying beliefs. If you woke up into the dream of you, what would you do?
As this is all new and rather disorientating, it seemed better to stop everything rather than continue misleading others. There is forgiveness in unconscious misleading, but it is dishonest to mislead when I see something else.
I am continuing to write about it here as it seems useful, for me at least. In all my previous reading around waking up, the teachers who know what's what start teaching after the fact. Their process is hazy at best, they are sharing from the already enlightened perspective and not from the stumbling into or through it. All through my blogging life I've shared my insights, my mistakes, where I go back into delusion, when I pop back out. Messy but real, this is the journey - up and down and round we go, where we end, nobody knows!
All I can encourage you to do is look again at all your beliefs – imagine that you are in a huge simulation or dream. You are God dreaming. You can believe whatever you like – that you have a role to fulfil, a life goal or purpose, that love and hate exist, that you are separate or one with all. It doesn’t really matter – none of these have any intrinsic truth – you are simply projecting your own fears and hopes out into the world.
If you want to wake up, follow the fear back inwards – what are you ultimately fearful of? That what you perceive as you is just a clutter of fear beliefs? Spoiler alert.
Personally I feel meditation is still valid to help remind yourself of your pure presence and awareness. Keep following your meditations back into the place where no belief is required, where you can drop everything and still be aware, still be presence. Then try to remember this or live this as far as possible back into life.
We keep remembering our truth until it remembers itself. That’s all I can say about this next stage for now.